Saturday, May 20, 2017

Feeling a little better

After all that fighting with the first week of meds, I finally feel like I am slightly more human and I can even consume food without throwing up anymore!

I hope not to jinx this, really, because the pain that I've been feeling these past few months is actually not a joke at all. But the good thing is that it is slowly making way. It's slowly giving in to the slew of medications that I have been forcing down my throat. 

I don't usually like medication as I believe strongly in being more natural and using natural products to either prevent untoward health issues or curing them. But this is something that is beyond my control now. I have no other choice but to leave it in the hands of professionals, the doctors, who knows better than I do. 

Anyway, this is a short update from my bed while I am watching a Korean drama on my laptop on my bed. 

Hope everyone has a pleasant Sunday ahead!

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

When You are Feeling Down, Remind Yourself

Sometimes, we need reminders. Even ones that sounds so mundane and repetitive. Maybe even things that you hear from your mother a million times before, maybe even things that your kids can repeat back to you. We need reminders because sometimes we forget. 

I've always felt a little guilty about not being able to bring my kids for overseas trips when their friends are visiting Japan, Hong Kong, Florida and the likes. I don't say it outloud but deep inside, I feel the guilt. Eight years ago, I was making a fair bit of money and did not need to pay for as many things so, I was capable of saving some money every month. 

I saved enough to bring my kids, then 7 and 5, to Hong Kong Disneyland. That's the furthest that I've ever brought them and also the last time we've ever used their personal passports. Their friends also sometimes have the latest gadgets and the more up-to-date computers and games and I feel a pang of jealousy on my kids' behalf. 

I wish I was as rich as some people. I wish that I had someone to rely on instead of being alone in dealing with parenting myself. I wish that there was someone who could really co-parent with my on an everyday basis.

But that's not the case. I am a single parent. Everything is my business. 

Sometimes, when I read the news, it dawns on me that I am not having the worst of times. There are so many people who would give anything to have what I have. I personally, right now, have 2 laptops and 1 personal computer. I have a roof over my head and can afford to put home-cooked food on the table.  I have wi-fi and a relatively new car to drive around in. 

These are things that I should never, ever take for granted because these are my blessings. Blessings that not everyone in this world has. So, today, it is a pretty sobering morning for me as I look at this tweet on my personal twitter account. (I have two because one has too many politicians and public figures following me that I don't want to get too personal on that account)

If you find this blog post and feel the same way I do, remember, someone else is happy with less than you have. 

Sunday, April 30, 2017

What's on their mind?

Sometimes you just don't know what is happening in someone else's mind. You just don't so, you're going to have to accept what comes out of their mouths and actions.This week has been kind of confusing and bad for me over here. 

First off, I've been sick. Made into clinic and hospital a few times because of recurring bouts of vomiting and gastric. This is, as said, is a recurring problem that I will have to find the source of soon enough. My mom is worried and I should do something about it. 

Second, I was dissed even when I was sick. It could have been something I said or did during the course of the few hours but maybe because I was in such pain, I am not aware of what it was. Sometimes, it is like this - something you said or did had an effect on someone and they don't say anything about it. Instead, they lash it out on you the only way they know how. Bottom line is, they were hurt. Either that or they were in pain. 

Pain and fear or hurt-feelings can come out in many different ways in people. 

Anyway, it's been confusing and I hope that with enough prayers from the people around me, I will feel like a normal person again soon. 

Sending lots of love out there...

Saturday, October 29, 2016

Unsticking yourself from Old Belief Systems

It's the raining season over here in Malaysia and going out for anything can be a hassle, you know what I am talking about Florida, Washington and London. Either you are going to end up completely drenched or your sneakers are going to smell a little funky tomorrow.

Today, my son said something to me when I lamented about the rain. 'Mom, we've got enough umbrellas, why is it that we never use them and end up running about frantically?'

Good question, my son. I don't know the answer myself. Why? LOL

So, we grabbed the few umbrellas on the way out for lunch and we splashed around in the rain, flicking rain water at each other as we catch them falling from the edges of the umbrellas. Like kids do, not worrying about the sneakers tomorrow or getting sick tomorrow.

It's funny when kids ask you questions like these and you realize that you stuck to something in your brain without knowing why you're doing it. The answers to why I never used the umbrellas were because:-

  1. It's a hassle (as opposed to it being a hassle going out without the umbrellas too). Sometimes, your brain is stuck and this is one of mine, I guess.
  2. It means I CAN go out any time I want without getting wet, which means I CAN get out any time I want even when it rains and that would be....yes, you guessed it, a hassle too.
  3. We might break the umbrellas and we don't want that
  4. Where would we dry the umbrellas when we get in? We stay in an apartment. 
At the back of my mind, I have all the solutions, easy ones, to all the road blocks I gave myself. It's NOT a hassle and you can dry the umbrella at the car park. Loads of space. No one's going to steal an umbrella and even if they do, how much does it cost, anyway? There are loads of free merchandise in the form of umbrellas, ready for you to help them promote their logos and products for free (almost - the umbrellas cost something).

These are the excuses that I have given myself a long time ago when my kids were little. It's hard (a hassle), believe you me, to get around in the rain with two toddlers under one umbrella. They are nearly men now and I found myself stuck with those excuses. 

Sometimes, it takes a simple prodding like that, a question for you to honestly answer yourself, to realize that we have the tendency to 'stick ourselves' onto old belief systems. And to answer them honestly would ultimately change the way we think...and changing is unsafe, beyond our comfort zone, entering the unknown, or simply scary. 

Funny, isn't it?

Image Credit : The Rain is Gone

Monday, September 26, 2016

Be Yourself, It's True

You don't have to be anything but yourself. I know this to be true because I was formerly an entertainer and as an entertainer, one would have bend forward, backwards, sideways and under just to please the audience. It will take a toll on you if you allow other people to usurp your power to be just you. 

I spent a large number of years trying to prove to others that I was capable of things and that I was worth much more than they gave me credit for. I have never felt so alone and given-up-on in my life. Those years forced me to be stronger, become more aware of what I am made of and the kind of power I have inside of me that I wasn't making use of.

I cared so much about what others thought about me that I forgot to like myself. I abandoned the idea of taking care of myself, and instead started proving to others what I am made of. 

Don't. Forget it. If they don't see it in you, see it for yourself. Enjoy your own company and love whatever mistakes and flaws that you have...because that's you through and through.

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

My Piece of the Universe

If you believe you control everything, you are putting yourself in danger of exhaustion. You will lose control of some things in life. And if you continue to believe and have a positive perspective, you prosper. I needed to remind myself to look at each task, one at a time and stop thinking about everything as a means to an end.

That's life. You only need to handle the little piece of life that the Universe handed you. I don't need to be Super Human and control everything in front of me because not everything in front of me is within my control and it is not my business to meddle with it.

In fact, even when you are in control of something, there will come a time when the Universe decides that you are done with it and you have to move on to the next thing the Universe hands you. One thing at a time will soon come together, like pieces of a puzzle.