Monday, October 23, 2017
But with this knowledge, I've also learned how to recognize it, not fight it and continue breathing. Letting it sit down next to me and stop fighting. I know that the moment I try to fight the feeling, that's when it will win and I will have a full-blown panic attack right in the middle of a highway. This could be TERRIBLE!
You don't know when and why it hits you, that's the problem with this disease. It could be brought on by a full busy day, a stressful phone call or just the chocolate ice-cream you just ate. It sucks. But knowing what it feels like makes all the difference in the world. I look back now and know that it was probably brought on by guilt.
End 2006 and the whole 2017 has been terrible for me and the kids. It has been incredibly stressful for me and the kids had their norm wrangled out of their grasps. But nothing in life remains constant and exposure to sudden changes and trying to cope with them is an important part of living.
As a parent, I've fought change as hard as I could because changing something means I am no longer in complete control. And I need control in order to not go insane. But every time something changes, I suffer guilt if it affects others, especially the kids. This was what happened, brought on by guilt and berating of myself. Highlighting my own failures, time and time again, beating myself up, and wishing things were different.
But the good thing was that I won. I stayed focused on the road, one kilometer at a time, telling myself there is no other alternative but to continue. Whatever was going on is going to go away soon...and to be patient. And trust. I told myself to trust myself, that I was doing great. Sometimes panic and anxiety attacks have no reason to visit you but if you know what it looks like, you might have a better idea on how to deal with it.
Friday, September 29, 2017
I've never been good at changing of status quo, come to think of it. I prefer to keep things predictable so that I know what to do when something goes wrong.
It comes with parenting, perhaps, because parents have to predict and solve so many things on the fly. No notice given, lots of surprises.
But since my kids are growing up, I find myself loosening things up a little bit more. Giving myself a shot at making mistakes that nobody can blame me for.
I guess I grew up either being blamed or blaming myself. In such instances, avoiding change or unpredictable things becomes number one priority.
Like I said, however, my kids are a little more grown now and I feel the power of freedom coming back into my life.
Is it for the better? I hope so.
Saturday, September 23, 2017
Tuesday, September 12, 2017
Thursday, August 31, 2017
Sometimes, we forget to be thankful that we have a refuge. A room to rest and relax and lie your head in. A place to eat with your family. Modern amenities for your clothes and space for your clothes-drying. A kitchen to prepare food. A bathroom with running water. A computer to work on.
The list of simple things that we sometimes overlook is endless. Everything from friends, family to cars and beds.
Once you step into the world where humans are everywhere, you will soon realize that you are merely one of many. And it takes each and every one of you, them, us to make it work.
And when I come home to my refuge, and they to theirs, we have to remember to be grateful that we have one.
Tuesday, August 15, 2017
Sunday, July 23, 2017
"Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live." AnonymousLaughter and love make great partners like salt and pepper; bread and butter; and a bat and ball. Laughter makes one forget the seriousness of the day; the dark clouds of worry; and the looming regrets of yesterday. Love nurtures the soul; warms the heart and promises the dreams of tomorrow. Bring them together in your relationships today and watch the seeds of sunshine grow. Laugh often and love
How easy it is for us to forget to do this...laugh. Because we face everyday challenges, bills to pay, unexpected news, obstacles in life, changes in friendships and love life, work environment and family, we might be carrying around a huge sack of burden on our backs without even knowing we're doing so.
It's not that we stop feeling sad or burdened or emotional about things but it is a reminder for us to remember that laughter, happiness, joy and gratefulness is right around the corner too.
As Timber Hawkeye of Buddhist Bootcamp pointed out, time and again, that feelings are fleeting. They come and go and we have a choice of choosing one over the other. The dark clouds may be looming above but so are the silver linings. As long as we choose to believe we are armed with our own strengths and that things happen for a reason, we should be able to snap out of it and choose joy instead.